This is something that I have wanted to talk about for a very long time. While you are walking (well, sometimes it is more like crawling) on your healing path and struggle to get up from your knees, sometimes you don't want to listen to your friend, family or partner saying that. "Think positive." "Focus only on the good." "Can't you see all the love and light around you"? "Just get rid of your behaviour; you just need to decide and act different tomorrow." "Why are you feeling this way? You shouldn't". Or my personal favourite one is "You have mental problems, see a doctor. You need therapy" These are very toxic sentences that you should not listen to, mainly because they are giving advice when they are. I'm quoting here a Hungarian psychologist "They are sitting in their lukewarm shit because they are so afraid to change. It stinks, but the smell is familiar and warm". I read this probably 15 years ago, but it is so real and can apply to many people.
I'm so unimpressed and frustrated with people who think they know better and dare to advise someone. When they are sitting in their problems and faking their life, even one of their favourite quotes is the "Fake it until you make it."
I want to ask everyone to stop listening to those people. We all know who they are and how damaging their comments and "supporting advice" are for you to get better. How would everyone know what do you feel? What are you going through? What goes and runs through your body and mind in certain situations? Or when something is triggering you, you get into fight or flight mode or freeze. Maybe things are small and not a big deal to them, but it is for you.
Your feelings are valid. Period. You may feel like you would run away, you have an outburst, you would scrawl into a ball to not be seen. You might feel like crying or screaming out loud, or you may have a temper or even a tantrum. Seldom or often are you terrified of what comes next? You are scared to be left alone again. You can't brush off these feelings because something happened to you and keep putting you off in certain life situations. This is valid! It doesn't mean it justify your actions, but it is a sign that you need to get your life into your hands and heal your wounds. Look deeper until you find your true self. It is your choice and your responsibility.
I want to help you with that. As you probably know me by now, I'm not too fond of complicated exercises or so-called homework. I usually give to my clients. I think simplicity is the key when it comes to healing. So I would like to share a profound exercise with you that helped my clients and me tremendously.
When a situation accrues, it can be a fight, misunderstanding, argument, miscommunication, or maybe only news on television. When you suddenly feel your anger is rising, your palm gets sweaty, you would like to cry, or you start shivering, your stomach starts hurting, or you can't breathe, then try to do this. First, you acknowledge I'm feeling in a certain way you may excuse yourself and go to another room or outside if you are not alone. Then be in the feeling you think, say the words that would come out of your mouth like I'm hurt again, they left me alone again, they chose someone else, why others are better than me, why are they hurting me, why I'm I not good enough? Please don't leave me here. Please hug me and love me. If you have a chance, try to get to the psychically be in a position. Get your body posture; how it feels would it be? Maybe you would raise your fists or crawl under a table, you would cry in the corner of the room looking at the bare wall in front of you, or you would stand you would have a tantrum and lift your leg up and bang the floor under your foot. All feelings and postures are welcome(to the extent where you are not hurting yourself or others). And when you said what you needed to just look at yourself and ask how old I'm now? How old is this little girl or boy?
Did you get your answer? You are maybe two or five, or perhaps a teenager? Write it down if you'd like, and remember what happened in your life when you were that age. Did your parents just move to a new city, one of them lost their job, or was an addict, did they get divorced? Did someone die in the family? Was your sibling just born? Maybe someone was ill in the family, or your mom's father passed away unexpectedly? You will remember what you need to remember to understand the situation. This is what it is. This is your muscle memory that gets triggered repeatedly. You are not crazy, and your feelings are valid, something happened to you, and nobody was there to help you with your hurt. Your feelings are valid. Here is your pure truth and the essence of why you are acting in a certain way because these life events create trauma in your body, and whenever it gets triggered, all these chemicals are just flushing into your brain and body and taking it over.
When you are over the first sock to see what happened to you, then it is time for healing and helping that little boy or girl. Visualize your higher self, or ideal parent, even God or Mother Mary. Whichever you are drawn to or works for you. Give the care, love, understanding, reassurance, whatever you need to feel safe, loved, heard and seen again. Feel that they are wrapping their loving arms around you, even covering you with a fluffy blanket. They tell you that you matter. They are here for you. You are SAFE, LOVED. Feel that the place is getting warmer, and you slowly start relaxing your muscles, open your fists and release the tension from your jaw and shoulders. Start with a few deep breaths, and when your body starts to regulate itself, maybe you can say, I'm safe, I'm ok. You perhaps even want to smile a little. Be in this moment.
Later you may want to journal your experience, or if that is safe to do and you would like to share this with a person who triggered you, you can. But only when it is safe and you know the other person would be open to listening and not judging you. You can say things like, please don't use these words next time because it triggers me in a certain way. Or if something similar happens, I would like to deal with my feeling, and I will use a safe word or sentence to regulate my emotions. It will be easier and easier to detect these triggers and reactions. Next time, try to step back a little, see what is happening, and tell your inner child we are an adult now, I will take care of you. Now you know what is healthy for you and what is not. You may even start distancing yourself from those who gave you such advice before. You know you don't need to listen to them anymore. You are not entitled to listen to their belittling and shame you for your feelings.
If you get any comments or want to know more, don't hesitate to contact me. Love Erzsebet.