Updated: May 24, 2022
- Do you have a strained relationship with your mother but don't know why?
- Is she competitive with you, treating you more like a rival than a daughter?
- Is she interested in your life,rarely inquiring about your career, your activities, and your kids or just simply criticizing your all your actions and life choices?
- Is she possessive of your dad, making it almost impossible for you and him to spend time alone together? Did she made fun of you saying “oh you are the favorite of your dad? Or did she paint a much worst picture of your dad growing up?
- Do you get a strong sense that she wants you to do well in life but not too well?
If this dynamic sounds all too familiar, your mom may be jealous of you. Because you didn't understand why the relationship was tense, you were left in the dark: unsupported, and emotionally abandoned.
Today, though, you can finally acknowledge your mom's envy and accept her limitations. You can stop blaming yourself for the tenseness between the two of you and see her actions with a different pair of eyes.
Reasons Why Moms Get Jealous of Their Daughters
- She's a narcissist.
Narcissistic mothers may battle crippling self-doubt in adulthood. When they were kids, their moms may treated them like accessories and not full-fledged individuals. As a result, their feelings, worries, and struggles went unnoticed and unattended. They grew up in a environment where they were to reflect well on their mom but to never outshine her.
- She's in menopause.
During menopause, a mom may feel less womanly, less desirable, and less relevant in our youth-obsessed society. She may witness her daughter attracting the attention of men when she no longer does. As a result, she can feel more anxious and less confident.
- She's possessive of her husband.
One of the most destructive things that jealous moms do is come between their daughters and their dads. Her insecurity leads her to become territorial about her husband. She doesn’t want to share him with anyone, even his own flesh and blood.
- She regrets her unfulfilled dreams.
At a time when her own possibilities may be narrowing, she sees her child’s world open up. She may wish that she had enjoyed the freedoms that young women have today: exploring dating, postponing motherhood, entering a professions, buying their own homes, and being financially independent. As such, she may be resentful of her daughter and regretful of her own life choices.
- She's emotionally immature.
Many of these women were severely under-mothered themselves when they were children. As a result, they grew up to be desensitized adults who can’t connect with their kids in the affective realm. When their daughters are in the spotlight, these moms don’t feel pride and joy like most parents do. Instead, they feel sad and resentful because they didn’t have the same opportunities to shine when they were kids.
Remember we are all coming with our baggages and our intention is not to hurt others. Especially not your children. We can acknowledge life, unconditional love and higher purpose.
The exercise we do during our Family Constellation sessions:
Stand in front of your mother (imagine she is standing there or have her picture) and say that:
" Thank you for my life. You are my mother, and I'm your child. My life came through you. I'm so sorry for your suffering but everything that is not mine, I give it back to you now (do the movement with your two hands). It is not mine to deal with. I leave it with you.
Please look at me with love and give me your blessings and permission to have a happy life even if it is a little different from yours."
Then feel her hands on your back giving love and support as a mother. Then notice she is not standing alone. Your grandmother is standing behind her back, and your great-grandmother is standing behind her and so on. It is a very long lineup of women. This is a very powerful group of women, and it is your ancestors. Their unconditional love and wisdom are always available for you!
If you are interested in more about Family Constellation, please message me or look at the website for more events.
*Peg Streep, author of "Daughter Detox: Recovering From an Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life"
* Karyl McBride, author of "Will I Ever Be Good Enough?"
* Dr. Charles Sophy, psychiatrist and author